


billow (i wanna be red)

by starryJ



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-breakup, he uses the f-word a lot, jae is a sweetheart, jae is hurt and drunk, jimin is mentioned, kind of, mentioned Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 16:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20245744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryJ/pseuds/starryJ
Summary: “and if i tell you to go, you’ll leave forever, right?” he just wants to make sure that he’s reading it right – not that you can blame him for double-checking, considering how drunk he is.“yes. i don’t want to hurt you anymore, you’ve suffered enough.”“and if i ask you to stay…” he whispers, slowly getting closer. “and kiss me. will you?”





	billow (i wanna be red)

**Author's Note:**

> i really hoped this would be a distraction from "solar wind", but i actually struggled with this one too LOL
> 
> the plot isn't super creative or anything and i guess i kinda messed it up, but anyway. please leave kudos and comments, they mean the world to me.
> 
> ps. got the title while working on my uni assignment, so "billow" means sea here. and the second part is from the rose's 'red'!

getting so awfully drunk at jimin’s party wasn’t exactly a part of jae’s plan. to be honest, he wasn’t planning to attend it at all because of having too much work, but this girl is really good at making people do what she wants them to, so in the end he gave up. she greeted him with a tight hug and promised the party would be great, but then she disappeared and soon jae saw her dancing with her mola crew while he was left to enjoy the party all by himself. he barely knew anyone there because their mutual friends couldn’t come and even at the age of 21 he still hasn’t mastered the talent of making friends with strangers. he spent half an hour sulking in the kitchen before calling dowoon and asking him to please come save the party for him. thankfully, jimin was always very outgoing so she didn’t even notice a few more people joining her party uninvited and soon dowoon arrived holding two bottles of vodka.

fast forward to present.

“how c-come you’re still not drunk?” jae mumbles, surprised.

“well, you’re the loser here,” dowoon simply replies, referring to their game.

right, playing “truth or dare” where dare is always the same – to take another shot of vodka – is the best thing they could come up with while everyone else seemed to be really enjoying the party. jae always thought of himself as a person who has nothing to hide, but in reality dowoon came well-prepared and started bombarding him with either super dirty (which he was fine with) or super personal questions. seven skipped questions and here he is – barely thinking straight, not even trying to get up from the sofa.

“is it already okay to leave?” he asks more to himself, not quite expecting dowoon to reply.

“maybe it’ll be better if you stay for the night? you’re just a few steps away from being completely wasted and i can’t even give you a lift because i had a few shots too,” dowoon suggests, but jae shakes his head and pouts.

“i’m fine!” he protests and wants to add something, but freezes with his mouth open, eyes wide from shock. “d-dowoon-ah? am i hallucinating?”

“what are you talking about? if you see another ghost of your great-grandmother, then yes, you are,” dowoon sounds a bit annoyed, but still turns around and his mouth falls open too.

“that is…” jae says, but yoon doesn’t even want to hear the end of this sentence and simply confirms that it’s not a dream or a hallucination.

just a few meters away stands the person jae wasn’t expecting to see ever again. he’s chatting with jimin and doesn’t look anywhere but at her, they laugh at something together and that gives jae a good chance to stare without being caught. brian hasn’t really changed in those two years jae hasn’t seen him: his shoulders got broader and his hair is now red and styled up (he used to hate it before), but everything about him is still the same, even the way he laughs with his head falling back a bit. dowoon doesn’t say anything when he reaches for the almost empty bottle and finishes it in no time; he understands that his friend’s heart has just got broken again.

jae keeps staring at brian, not sure if he wants to kiss or punch him, if he wants to come over and say hello or run as far away as possible and hide under the ground, but he’s sure about one thing: he fucking missed brian so much.

breaking up wasn’t his idea and he still hates brian for leaving that day, for leaving him all alone and blocking him in every social media he could think of. jae still remembers it so clearly as if it was just yesterday, he remembers how in july brian took him to the beach and announced that he was moving to canada for a few years (or, as he said, maybe forever). he remembers how he promised he’d wait for brian to come back and remembers how the younger shook his head, saying something that hurt him even more than the thought about not being able to see his boyfriend for a long while. “i don’t think we’ll last,” he said that day and they haven’t talked or seen each other ever since.

the only problem was that jae couldn’t just fall out of love so easily, couldn’t let brian go and kept waiting – waiting for anything: for a message, a letter, a call or a sign, for brian to come back and hold him tight, saying that it was a joke. it never happened, but jae still waited, he was still waiting even by now when brian must’ve already forgotten what he looked like. the only problem is that jae still loves him as much as he did before he left to study.

he can’t help but keep watching how brian laughs, how his nose scrunches from all the happy smiles he gives jimin, and suddenly he feels that he’s afraid of blinking, afraid of losing brian again. this thought earns him a mental slap in the face from himself because brian isn’t his anymore, he doesn’t have anything to lose; yet this doesn’t help because his heart is beating as if it is ready to jump out of his body. it hurts, seeing brian hurts so much that he can’t even decide if he likes this kind of pain or not, and he is about to beg dowoon to leave when brian turns around and their eyes meet.

jae feels a sudden way of heat rising to his cheeks when he sees how brian’s face goes through all stages of acceptance in just a few seconds, when he sees it in brian’s eyes that the younger still remembers him. it doesn’t take him long to cross the distance between them and jae almost falls from the couch when dowoon coughs and says something about having to pee before leaving him face to face with a whole brian kang, who’s still as handsome and unreal as he was two years ago.

“are you alright?” is the first thing he asks because jae must be looking like shit right now and this is already so brian that jae decides he actually wants to punch him.

“fine,” he tries to sound as cold as possible, even though his heart wishes nothing else than to be next to brian’s again. “just a bit dizzy.”

“are you and dowoon…”

“no,” jae cuts him off before brian gets a chance to say the word “together” out loud.

he wants to say that dowoon is dating wonpil and that wonpil loves him more than anything in the world, that he doesn’t want to ever experience “together” again unless it is with him, but keeps silent and instead just chews on his bottom lip nervously. surprisingly, brian looks nervous too, despite trying to seem cool and collected, and, wait, is that hope shining in his eyes? no, it must be his imagination, because brian was pretty clear when he left – he doesn’t want jae like jae does. not anymore.

still, brian’s face changes a bit.

“oh,” he says, not knowing what else to add. “i just assumed…”

“why’d it even bother you?” jae asks before he has a chance to stop himself, the alcohol taking him under control. “it’s not like you’re supposed to care.”

“jae, listen-”

“i want to go home,” jae doesn’t want to listen, doesn’t want to break down again after finally beginning to learn how to live without him.

“jimin asked me to give you a lift since i’m the only one who didn’t drink tonight,” brian says as he gets up and reaches out his hand for jae to hold.

“okay,” jae tries to sound cool, he really does, but he can already feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “i don’t care, i just want to leave.”

he ignores brian’s hand at first, being absolutely sure that if he takes it he won’t be able to let go, but then realizes that he doesn’t have control over his own legs and has to lean on brian anyway. the younger doesn’t seem to mind, he supports jae by placing a hand on his waist and jae feels that his heart has just broken into a million pieces because of how intimate and personal it used to be. used to be, huh, and now it’s just a way of not letting his drunken ass fall on the floor. how charming.

kang keeps quiet as he leads the way to the car that jae recognizes as jimin’s and this silence is killing him. they used to talk a lot, discussing everything from politics to literature and art, or sang some random songs, but even when they just stared at each other with stupid smiles it was jae’s favorite thing and now... now he thinks that brian still smells like he did two years ago, probably using the same perfume, that his hand is still warm and calloused from playing guitar during his free time, that… this is so freaking stupid, jae knows, but he can’t help it. brian has moved on long ago while he is stuck in the past, but what can he do when his past is a lot better than present?

“you don’t even know where i live now,” he continues trying to act cold when they get in the car.

brian doesn’t reply but he drives confidently through the quiet streets and jae guesses he got the address from jimin, just like the car. he makes a mental note to block her for spreading his personal information, more importantly, telling brian of all people about his current life. the life he tried to build around the thought of never seeing him again. he notices that brian is very tensed too as if their meeting didn’t go as he expected it to be and decides that he’s had enough of this silence.

“why would you come back?” he finally gains enough courage to ask.

“i…um…” brian hesitates and for some reasons jae likes it. he’s not the only one confused here. “i couldn’t do this anymore.”

“what do you mean?” jae is genuinely surprised. “you’re basically a genius!”

“no, not university. i will finish studying here, i just got… tired of the new life. i missed the old one too much,” he ends up whispering and jae is suddenly scared.

“took you long enough,” he says instead of saying the things he desperately wants brian to hear.

thankfully, they don’t have to talk anymore as the car stops next to his house. a place where he can be himself again, where he can cry and hug a tiny fox-doll that brian gave him for valentine’s day six months before breaking up with him. he steps out of the car without saying goodbye, but brian seems to have his own plan too; he follows jae to the house and catches him when he’s about to fall. jae laughs, but there are tears streaming down his cheeks and he only lets brian in because he knows he’s about to yell, revealing everything that’s been bottled up for two years.

“i just want to make sure you’ll get to bed safely,” brian says, as if trying to defend himself, and that’s when jae loses it.

“no! no! listen here, kang, i don’t want you in my life anymore. go away, go back to canada or wherever you want to be, just leave me alone for good!” he screams.

brian looks hurt by the harsh words but he doesn’t move from where he stands, he just waits for jae to get it off his chest, lets him say whatever he wants to because he knows he deserves it more than he thinks. jae is still crying and he almost trips over his own shoes but this time he doesn’t let brian touch him, takes a few steps away.

“jae, listen, please-”

“oh no, it’s you who needs to shut the fuck up and listen! you can’t just waltz back into my life and expect me to act like nothing happened, like we weren’t in love with each other, like you didn’t talk about dreaming to marry me in the future!”

jae sits down on the floor and laughs, but it isn’t that happy melodic laugh brian loved so much, it’s cold, it’s bitter and it makes him want to take jae into his embrace and never let go, but. there’s always a “but”.

“how dare you show up at my doorway after everything you’ve done to me, how dare you stand here and watch me being all miserable again when all you need to do is to leave me the fuck alone! i accepted the fact you didn’t love me anymore, i let you go even though you could at least find better words to announce our breakup instead of making me feel like shit assuming that i wouldn’t be able to wait. what else do you want from me when i’ve just started to live again, when i’ve just stopped crying every other night?”

“jae, i’m sorry-” brian tries again, but jae interrupts him as he pushes him towards the door.

jae almost loses his balance but seems so determined to make him leave that doesn’t even notice it. he groans because brian has always been stronger (especially when jae was drunk), because broad hands find their way to his shoulders and stop him instead. he doesn’t give up and starts hitting brian’s chest with his fists, surprised and satisfied when kang lets him do so.

“you’re what? you’re sorry? it’s been two years and i haven’t heard from you, not even once, and you still dare to say that you’re sorry? can you even imagine how much it hurt? you left without trying to explain yourself and the situation, you left for a better life while all i had was memories about you, about us. i let you forget about me despite still loving you and now you’re trying to ruin my tiny island of life by coming back into it? no, sir, that’s not how it works.”

oh crap, did he really say “still loving you”? damn it.

“jae, please, listen to me just this once and then i’ll leave forever, i promise,” brian sounds hurt, worried and jae just can’t bring himself to say no.

he nods and gives up on his attempts to push brian away or hit him, more so, he lets the younger walk him to the couch where they both sit down facing each other. jae’s bottom lip is still shaking from all the crying and yelling, but god was it worth it, he feels so much better now, he finally feels free from all these words he’s been dying to say. but. he still loves brian and that can’t be helped, he can’t kill the last remaining light his hope gives him and decides to listen to this story from his perspective.

“first of all, i really am sorry for making you go through so much pain.”

“oh shut up,” jae says faster than he can think about it; there’s a sad smile on brian’s face when he hears that and jae wants to hit the nearest wall with his head.

“please let me finish before judging me, you have all the rights to do so, i just want you to know the full story. i didn’t want to move in the first place, but it wasn’t my decision to make. when your whole family decides to move, you don’t really have a choice, especially if they’ve already found you a great university, as they said. but i would be fine with just going there to study, we would still be able to see each other on holidays, that is if my parents supported our relationship. i know i was the one who encouraged you to come out to your parents, but being completely honest with my family wasn’t such a good idea. they threatened to throw me out without any money or support, without the right to call myself their son anymore, and since i didn’t have much of a choice because i already got accepted in university i decided to run away from you. i didn’t want you to get hurt even more, that’s why i lied about not being sure we would last and avoided you until we left for canada. that’s why i blocked you; i tried to forget you but my heart kept longing for you and i couldn’t do anything about it. my parents tried to set me up with a girl they found incredibly cute, but all i could think about was your smile. i truly hated myself for hurting you, but i believed it was for the best and then i just… got tired of it. i couldn’t make myself truly believe it, that’s why i came back. i knew you wouldn’t just listen to me, i hoped you’ve moved on because you only deserve to be happy, but then i ran into jimin and she… she told me everything after slapping me right in the face and she agreed to help me get you to listen. this whole party was held just for it, just for me to say sorry and for you to finally know all the truth behind our breakup.”

“was it just because of your parents?” jae asks in disbelief but brian nods. “then why are you here, i mean, they really did throw you out or..?”

“that’s complicated. my dad supported my decision, we eventually came to understanding, but mom is still mad at me. she’ll get over it soon, i hope…”

“one last question. why did it take you two years?”

“i’m here as an exchange student, i guess? and this was only available after two years, so i had to wait.”

jae finds it difficult to believe what he hears, it feels like a dream because of all the alcohol he had tonight, but at the same time he wants to believe, wants things to remain as they go. he catches himself thinking that right now he is even more afraid of blinking than when he saw brian on that party.

“and if i tell you to go, you’ll leave forever, right?” he just wants to make sure that he’s reading it right – not that you can blame him for double-checking, considering how drunk he is.

“yes. i don’t want to hurt you anymore, you’ve suffered enough.”

brian’s eyes are full of tears now too, but he blinks to “put them back in” as their friend sungjin used to say and makes a move to get up, but jae catches his wrist and feels blood rising to his cheeks again. he takes a deep breath; it’s now or never. it’s his time to decide, a privilege he didn’t have two years ago.

“and if i ask you to stay…” he whispers, slowly getting closer. “and kiss me. will you?”

“you’re so drunk, jae,” brian whispers back, but there’s hope in his eyes and a smile on his face.

“yeah, but i still can’t get you out of my mind. i will probably forget half of this conversation when i wake up, but you’ll be there to remind me that i chose you, right?”

“i’ll do whatever it takes to make you always remember that it was the best decision you’ve made. you won’t regret it,” brian promises.

jae wants to believe. brian’s lips are brushing his now, he can feel his warm breath and the scent of his mint chewing gum, but the younger doesn’t rush, he’s ready to get up and leave if jae says so.

“then stay,” he breathes out and brian finally closes the gap.

later he asks brian to sing him to sleep and refuses to let go of his hand, falling asleep with a wide smile on his face. there’s still a lot to talk about, but the wait is finally over.

////

he wakes up alone in bed; the house is quiet and there’s no sight of brian, nothing reminds jae that just a few hours ago he sat next to his bed and his face gets all pale as he runs out of the bedroom. his head aches and he almost trips over his shoes again, but none of it matters when he calls out brian’s name with tears slowly forming in his eyes and… bumps into him while running into the kitchen.

“what happened?” kang asks, voice laced with worry.

“it’s nothing,” jae mumbles into his chest, though they both know the answer.

“hey, look at me.”

when he does so, brian gives him a painfully slow but sweet kiss and it is everything jae needed and even more. he giggles when brian picks him up and goes back to the kitchen where he sees two mugs of coffee and a plate full of sandwiches. his favorite ones. he can’t help but smile at this thought when brian hugs him tight and puts him back on the floor.

“i don’t know if you still like those,” he begins, but jae interrupts him with a kiss.

“i’m happy i chose you,” is all he says, but it is enough for brian to beam at that.

jae feels like he’s a moth going into the flame, but after all it’s finally his own choice; he wants to be red, taking in the fire brian’s heart resonates, even if it means burning down.

**Author's Note:**

> you can support me on ko-fi if you like this work! i'd be beyond thankful xxx
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/starryj


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